I want to be human again.

This is what I want. To unplug from an endless stream of emails, ads and news streams.

I wish to feel more human. The endless stream of pop-ups, ads, notifications and email spam messages keep telling me that I’m a consumer, a robot, a means to an end. I want to feel human again.

I want to have real connections with real people. (I do, I just want more of it) I dream of technology designed for a new age. I dream of technology designed to lower depression and anxiety. I hope for devices (like the Fitbit) that will empower us to get out, exercise and lead full and abundant lives. I want a facebook that notifies me when my online activities borderline addictive behavior.

This isn’t just a dream for me but something I actively pursue…to be human again. By not checking my phone when I’m with people, by not using Spotify as a way to block awkward social interaction and by fasting from the internet, social media, and cell phone usage from time to time.

In these ways and more I will become human again. I will regain a sense of that which I feel I am loosing. I want to be human again.

(originally posted on my facebook page)

Waking up happy

Today I wake up happy. Not that I am happy about anything in particular. Awareness has permeated my mind. I quietly lie in bed observing the thoughts that pass through my mind. Warm thoughts of friends near and far, that I love and miss dearly, dance in my mind like little children playing in the rain. My thoughts are tender and dear to me.

The beauty of mindful awareness has transformed my mundane hour of laying in bed into something extraordinary and sacred. I realize I am happy. I realize I am at peace. All this has happened because I noticed the gentle thoughts that visited me so early in the morning. Simple thoughts. Gentle thoughts. Happy thoughts.

This post is not worth reading

I’m having trouble writing about my struggle with writing. I struggle because I believe every post that I write should be utterly amazing, but the truth is they won’t. I have a sort of fear that if I don’t post only amazing content then I will lose my reputation as a writer. But what does it matter if I do not write or publish anything at all? Why did I start this blog? Was it to stroke my own frail ego? What a shame to live in fear. What is fear even for? Survival I guess…
What good is it now, what purpose does it serve? It seeks only to hold me back, from what I was meant to do.

Live in the present moment

I used to be afraid of death. I was not simply afraid to die, but rather I was afraid of death itself.

I used to be afraid of the vast separation that death would inevitably cause me. I would cower in terror whenever I would contemplate the fact that I or someone very close to me would die. When I was a child I used to imagine over and over again that I would come home one day and my mother would be gone. I used to think death would come and take her away while I was at school.

Over time I got over that idea. If I’m being perfectly honest with myself though, I should say that my fear evolved. As I got older my fear of death became a fear of the shortness of life. I was afraid that I was running out of time.

The reality of a short life forced me to look at myself and the decisions I made on the daily. I also became more aware of those around me. I began to reflect on those I loved and what I had accomplished in my life up until that present moment. I began to ask myself :

“If I were to die today would I be content with that? Would I feel as though I lived a full and abundant life?”

How could I live in a way that, if I were to die today, I would be able to find peace and contentment in a life well lived?

This is one of the most important questions to me because we never know when we will go and to live a good life seems to me like a worthwhile pursuit. To live a meaningful life is what we as human beings strive for. We must live every moment to the fullest because of the realization that every moment can indeed be our last.

I used to be more concerned about what would happen to me after I died than what would happen in this present moment. Yet something happened to me. Call it what you want, an awakening, a spiritual experience, a cognitive shift, or something else entirely.

I do believe that this moment is what we are given and this moment is all that we have. The past is gone. We have the memories of the past which are memories that can only be thought of and reflected upon in this present moment. The future hasn’t happened yet, rather doesn’t yet exist. The only way we can shape the future is also by looking to this present moment and time. Even dreaming about the future happens in the moment. We can dream about what could be and this can give us the inspiration to be better in this moment.

What I do in this present moment is of the utmost importance. This present moment shapes the next moment and the next moment.

My fear of death was really a fear of an unknown. That’s quite an ironic statement when you think about it because life itself is unknown. My fear of death was actually a fear of life and the great vastness of it.

There is something here in this present moment. Be still and look deeply and you may find it. Yesterday is gone and tomorrow does not exist. Now is the time. Now is the moment.

More for what?

We live in a culture of “more”. We want more of everything. More money. More power. More friends. More… The list goes on and on.

Do you really think if you had more of this or that you would be happier?

The truth is that having more only brings us happiness up to a point.


Finding purpose in suffering

I think it’s safe to say that most people don’t enjoy suffering. And when they find themselves in situations where they can either choose to suffer or somehow escape the suffering, most would choose to run away. I don’t blame them. Suffering is hard. Yet there are many times in life where the alternative to suffering is unacceptable to us or is simply unavoidable.

Such suffering could be brought about by any number of reasons such as the death of a loved one, struggles with regrets, insecurities we carry about ourselves or even difficulties adjusting to new life changes. For various reasons we all experience suffering.

But have you ever asked yourself what your suffering is for? Have you considered that your suffering might serve some greater purpose?


Overcoming fear with mindfulness

When I was a kid my mom would tell me that F.E.A.R was False Evidence Appearing Real. As a child, that didn’t make much sense to me at all.

Really? False evidence? Surely not. The evidence seemed so real to me. How could it be false? I had a long list of fears and I highly doubted that they were false.

Here is a drastically reduced list of some of the things I’ve been afraid of in my 25 years of living:

  • Getting stung by bees 🐝
  • My mom dying (more…)