Mindfulness and existentialist writings in an age of anxiety
Writings

Am I suffering?

Softly, gently I hold the present moment to my chest. Here and now, that is all there is. But what is this weight I feel, what is this shortness of breath I have? Am I suffering?

Yes, this is indeed suffering this is indeed pain. Anxiety about the future, that is what I feel. But who told me to live in the future? Tomorrow isn’t promised or so they say.

This moment and this breath is all I have right now. In this quiet space and time, I find myself. In this space I find peace, and I let go of my suffering. That doesn’t mean it won’t hurt or that it isn’t difficult. It is very difficult and yet it is so simple.

If I fail to see my problems as problems do they cease to be that. If I fail to see my enemies as enemies do they cease to be them. If I fail to see my pain and anxiety as that do they become short-lived states in a longer narrative, do they just become a part of the experience of living?

And why should I flee this pain, this anxiety about living, this suffering that I am experiencing now? All that I feared and was once afraid of in my life has passed, so too this.

I look to the present to find comfort and solace, knowing that it is a gift. This moment is a gift. This moment is a blessing. This moment is too good to be true, and yet it is.

Since the beginning of time, people have come and gone and come and gone and come and gone. My fate will be no different. Tell me what do I have to fear? Even death is predictable, so is pain and suffering.

Sometimes I lay awake at night, 2 am or later, and I wait up for them. I hope I can catch them off guard, surprise them even. I want them to see me smiling, laughing even. I want pain, sadness, and sorrow to find me rolling around on the floor smiling and laughing all the while. I am present. I am awake. I have nothing to fear.

I choose to be here. I choose to let nothing darken this heart of mine. Nothing will erode this gem inside myself, this inner stillness that I have.

This world may remember me not. They may never even know I existed but what does it matter. I am here aren’t I. I am sitting here in this present moment and I know that I am here. That is enough for me. To be here and now and forever here in this moment that I call the present.

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